Why Do We Fight with Our Teenagers?

Posted by Dr. Noel Swanson on May 25, 2008
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Your child has become a teenager. You have enjoyed the first thirteen years of raising your child. You worried about them all the time. You changed too many diapers to keep count and you watched in pride as they won the fourth grade spelling bee. You helped them through the struggles in life such as scraped knees and taking their first test at school.

Surely those were the hardest years? Now they are growing up. Now they are a bit more independent, a bit more mature, surely things will get easier? They are big enough to help out with some chores. They can look after themselves for an evening if you want a well earned night off. You can have sensible conversations with them.

Then why is it that things don’t turn out that way when your child goes through their teenage years? What happens? In some societies, a 13 year old would be thought of as an adult. They could work in the government and even marry. This is not so in Western society. The teen years in the Western part of the world are stricken with with conflict and struggles. Why does this happen?

There are two parts to the answer: biology and culture.

The brain is intricate. It is in a great state of growth and development during the teenage years. It is always growing, expanding, evaluating, and making links. These links build the foundation for memory, learning, perception, and social rationale.

From birth through age 12, your child’s brain experiences and learns a large amount. At birth the brain communicates through non-verbal means and by age 12 your child can communicate through effective verbal and reasoning means.

Then the teenage years hit the brain like a tornado. The brain goes into a state of shambles after which it rebuilds itself. While your brain is rebuilding itself your child might not be able to do some of the things they could before. For example, speaking to the opposite sex has suddenly become virtually impossible without becoming quite nervous. Throughout the teen years your child will need to understand the components of social interaction and how they fit into the whole social scene. They will make friends and strive to find their sexual ife partner.

Understanding the intricacies of the social scene can be difficult for their teenage brain. Their brain goes back and forth between its modes of operation during their pre-teen years and how they are expected to act as teens. This conflict can make the social behavior of a teenager inconsistent and sometimes confusing.

Add in to this a healthy dose of fluctuating sex hormones, plus some classical teenage sleep deprivation, and is it any wonder that more often than not they seem to be “loaded for bear”? Watch out, lest they bite your head off for no apparent reason!

Teens also have to deal with the different expectations placed on them now that they are teenagers. They hear every day from many sources that they “should” be doing certain things and the definitions between normal and abnormal. Expectations for how they should act during each year of their teenage experience is detailed by their parents, friends, teachers, police, and society. It can be hard for a teenager to discern exactly how they should act when they have all these people forcing their opinions on them.

This leads into the difficulty with imposing expectations. If you have one, then there is the possibility that your expectation will not be met. A behavior that is considered a “no-no” is turned into a big problem.

So, with all these people having different expectations of what your teenager “should” be doing, plus the heady biological mix described above, is it any wonder that the fireworks go off?

So, how do you manage all of this? Here are some ideas. Next time you are in an argument with your teen – or getting frustrated with his or her behavior, consider the following:

1) Fighting and yelling are not effective.

2) Your teen, like you, is simply trying to achieve the very best outcome that he or she can, given her current abilities and perspectives (which are probably different to yours),

3) It is important to note that your teenager is still trying to understand their role in life and also may not understand either why the two of you are fighting.

4) Whose problem is this? Whose agenda? What, exactly, will happen if the outcome of all of this is opposite to your desires? Does that *really* matter, in the grand scheme of things?

5) Is there another way of motivating your teenager to comply, other than trying to bully him?

6) Your teenager will outgrow the teenager years in a matter of a few years. Think about the future and what kind of memories you want to create.

With that being said, it is a good idea to have rules and expectations. However, don’t get so uptight. Don’t be so strict that your teenager wants to avoid you. Determine how to have fun together so you can both get through the teenage years with smiles on your faces and love in your hearts.

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