You Can Become the “Ultimate” Parent!

Posted by Dr. Noel Swanson on June 5, 2008
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Everyone can define a bad parent: short tempered, always criticizing, and more concerned with their affairs (in both senses of the word) than in those of their children. What makes a good parent though? How can you give your children the very best parts of yourself and help them create a good life?

John Bowlby did a lot of work looking into the effects of parenting on children during the 1960’s. Bowlby coined the term “good-enough parenting”. His basic premise was that as long as you avoided the sins of “bad” parenting, you were doing okay, and your children would survive. So is that merely good enough? Or do you need to do more in efforts to be the best parent possible – do you need to strife to be a “super” parent or even an “ultimate” parent? Is there really an “ultimate” parent or is that a myth perpetuated by the feminist movement?

First, let’s clear this up: no one is the perfect parent. It’s not possible for you to do everything right, every moment, every year of your child’s life. Nor should you make that your goal. There’s some truth Bowlby’s concept of “good enough” – you don’t need to be concerned with being perfect. Your kids WILL survive childhood and sometimes being “Good enough” is good enough.

Most of you probably want more than just average for you kids. I feel certain that there are attitudes you can change that will allow you to give your children the very best of lives. You will benefit as well, since your life will be simpler, yet more fulfilling. Following is a list of things that will help you become the “ultimate” parent:

1) Allow yourself to be human. You are not capable of doing everything or being everywhere. Everyone makes mistakes – you too have concerns, problems, and issues. and hang-ups from your own past. That’s okay – it’s more important to have the right attitude than to be perfect.

What is the right attitude? Being humble. Recognising that you have much to learn (we all do) and being willing to be teachable and to learn from your mistakes. A sign of genuine maturity is being able to look back at your past, recognize the mistakes you made, and say “this is what I have learned about myself, and what I need to work on changing in myself”.

Of course, there’s also a danger of constantly putting yourself down by telling yourself that you are no good. Allow yourself to occasional make mistakes and celebrate when you are successful. Only focus on the past as long as it takes you to learn and make changes, then move forward in the direction YOU want to go. Of course, if you have serious problems, get help.

2) Recognize you are playing a percentage game. We have all heard of them: the kids from the most abusive, deprived backgrounds who somehow manage to make huge successes of themselves. And the kids from the very best of families (as demonstrated by their siblings) who somehow go off the rails into drugs and crime.

Unfortunately, the truth is that parents are just one factor in a child’s upbringing. Children are also under the influence of peers, other relatives, teachers, media figures, and anyone else they encounter on a daily basis, not to mention there own genetic predisposition. There’s nothing you can do to control all of the influences. Even if you are the best, ultimate parent, you kids may still have problems. And you could be the worst parent and have the most successful children. Nothing in life is a sure thing.

So you play the percentages. You know that if you beat your kids, they are more likely to turn out bad than good. So, on average, beating your kids is probably not a good idea. Using fair and consistent discipline probably produces better odds for a successful outcome – so do that instead.

The most important thing to your success in not how your children turn out, it’s more a result of you doing everything you can with all the tools you have available. You may make some mistakes, but ultimately you haven’t failed as long as you did your best. If, however, you don’t make an attempt to get more information or help when you need it, you have failed – you haven’t done everything you could for your child, even if your decisions weren’t the right ones.

3) Be aware that there are other things in your life besides your children. It’s easy nowadays to get so focused on our children that we put them before everything else. not the only things in your life.

For instance, some parents wouldn’t consider accepting a new position in a different city if it meant uprooting their family – taking your children away from their school and their friends.

There has to be a balance in our children’s lives. By putting them first exclusively you run the danger of teaching your children that their needs and interests matter above anyone else. You are creating a selfish “me first” child. Of course we should consider our families needs when making decisions, but ultimately you have to do what’s in the best interest of the entire family.

4) Keep your focus on the long term. Bringing up children can be a long process. Keep in mind your long term goals for your children – how do you want them to turn out as adults? What values, morals and interests do you have in mind? You need to think about what your children need to attain those skills and character traits.

Many times as parents we are faced with the choice of taking an easy, short-term quick fix, or a harder approach that will bear much more fruit in the long term. The TV is such a classic example of this. How easy is it, when the kids are playing up, to just switch on the TV as the electronic babysitter? A quick fix for the immediate hassle or rowdy kids. But how much better, in the long run, to spend a bit of time teaching them how to build a model, or sew a soft toy, or put together a jigsaw?

5) Your children will make mistakes, just like you, but notice the positives. Gently correct and forgive them, then move on. Focus on the right things they did rather than the wrong. They want your attention, so if you respond more strongly to the negatives, they will do more of them. If you praise them for the positives, they will try so much harder to please you all the time.

6) Be strong and stay focused. If you believe what you are doing is the right thing, you know that you are moving in the right direction. Some times you may make decisions that your children don’t respect or try to challenge. Unless there is some new information, stay with your decision. Don’t let anyone dissuade you from what you think is the right thing to do. Sometimes that means saying no, which can be a difficult thing for children (or sometimes other relatives) to swallow.

Your decisions won’t always be perfect. Sometimes you’ll make mistakes and wish you could change the results, but it’s far better to stick with your decisions than constantly be wishy-washy. Your children watch you and learn from your decision making and how you handle pressure. If you are consistent, your children will learn by your example.

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